We're a week into February and although this winter has been relatively mild, without a lot of snow, I still enjoy looking at the juxtaposition of my house plants, which live near the windows, against the icy, bare treed outdoors. I have a big picture window in the kitchen/dining area and put all the plants that are blooming there yesterday to take a picture. The amaryllis my mom gave me for Christmas began blooming this past week. Cyclamen, geranium and euphorbia are blooming now too and the jasmine is about to go into blossom. What is better than having some alive color in the house this time of year? When the jasmine goes into bloom the unmistakable scent comes along to brighten the house too.
Last week was a good week but also challenging. I have had feelings of being overwhelmed lately by my desires and goals. I have a number of projects I'm working on right now. I'm creating two series of card designs and these are in the works. I continue to think about and look into my desire to create my own small home business. I'm trying to put into words what I am creating and why for my business plan and also so I can share my vision with potential clients and businesses that may hire me or carry my designs. I just signed up for and started a Photoshop course at a nearby community college as I have a big need to learn how to master computer art and design programs. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, these computer design programs are not easy for me to learn. My brain starts to hurt and feel overwhelmed by all of the options, choices, symbols and actions programs like Photoshop, Indesign and Illustrator have. I know I'm just beginning and that I need to be patient and keep trying. It's hard though especially when doubts come a creeping into my brain.
Sometimes when I feel overwhelmed I have a hard time motivating, creating and focusing. I had such a day last week. I just couldn't be productive the way I had hoped and planned. I went for a walk, cooked food for some friends who had a tragic and untimely death in their family and read a book but I sure didn't make any head way on my list of goals set for my creations and small business. While this is happening I begin to think negatively about myself and my ability to achieve my goals. Uhhggg. My whole life and being comes into question and doubts lurk, ready to make themselves known. As if an unproductive day isn't hard enough? Why do I have to go into self doubt mode?
Well, it was just a day.... and I did accomplish some of my goals this week. Some days and weeks are just better than others. The flowers and how they bloom in their season, when ready, remind me that you can't necessarily force things. Sometimes I need to be ok with following unconscious rhythms, having slow days and trusting that I will have rock n roll days too. I still strive to blossom and realize my hopes and potential. I desire the naturalness and peacefulness I see and witness as my amaryllis unfurled it's blossom over the past days, as my cats have their rhythms without judgement of themselves and as the chickens uninhibitedly enjoy longer days spent under the hemlock tree and in the sunshine while receiving energy as their egg laying picks up. We all have our own rhythms. The amaryllis, cats and chickens seem to be OK with theirs. Why is it sometimes hard for me to be OK with mine?